Why I’m still alive today…

All my life I have searched for truth. I started writing poetry when I was twelve years old, putting on paper my struggle to find the kernel of truth in all the emotion drowning my young heart.

When I turned twenty-three I had a baby. My questioning took on deeper dimensions, beyond a school girl’s love-sick wonderings. Faced with new life, a parent sees in its shadow the reality of their own death. Ever on my mind were enormous questions left unanswered, casting a grimness even on happy momScary Treesents.

What is the meaning of life?  Where will I go when I die?  Why are we here?

I was convinced there had to be answers. There had to be one truth, one shining nugget of perfect truth I could pick up and say, “This is IT!”  Oh, but I couldn’t find it! My heart filled with despair and grew heavy with hopelessness as I tried to make sense out of my life.

Seemingly without direction, I stumbled through empty days when finally I reached the crescendo of my confusion. I had arrived at the point of desperation. Panicked and shaking with anxiety, I could not see the truth and without it, my world was to be destroyed.

What a simple and yet edifyingly difficult thing it was to finally lay my heart before God and cry for help. The funny thing is, all He wanted me to do was give up. I, who worked so diligently to be strong and forge ahead, never dreamed that the key to life is to quit fighting and let someone else do all the work.

But when I did, oh, what treasures He had in store! The veil of uncertainty was ripped from my eyes and the precious truth, so long searched for, was more glorious than I had ever imagined. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever conceive of a peace drenched with such sweetness, a joy filled with such gladness, and a truth as blazing and bright. My world now sparkles with wonder.

Praise be to God!  He is the answer to all things. Hallelujah to the Risen Christ!

I’m alive because He lives.


Happy are those who mourn?

Over the past few months I’ve seen a lot of struggling in many lives; much grief, pain, and sadness due to many different issues. I’ve struggled with writing another post about sadness during this holiday season, but I could not shake it. Even during the celebration of Christmas many are grieving and the Lord’s eyes are upon them, maybe you, and He wants to reach out and heal.

The Bible says quite a few things that make you go hmmmmm and one of them is the statement: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted“. In our modern age, we’re not much into “mourning” anymore. Used to be, grief was respected and a season was set aside so comfort could be given. I’m not saying we should wear black for six months, but after a loved one passes, are we really ready to go back to work after three days?  After a painful divorce are we really ready to date after six months?  Be tough and stuff it is the American way. We are too busy in our pursuit of happiness to deal with our sadness.

But ignoring grief is very dangerous. There are a staggering number of people on anti-depression and anxiety medication these days. Others medicate with too much booze, sex, illegal drugs, anything to dull the throbbing pain in our hearts. We cover up our symptoms and ignore the bleeding wound underneath. Or we don’t medicate and just get angry, maybe at God for allowing such things to happen.

In our national loss of faith in God, we have lost the wonderful benefit of His comfort. So, we spend years or decades in a state of depression or anger. He invites us to experience a better way. He knows there is a time to mourn and He encourages us to weep and lay our brokenness at His feet. When we are real with Him about our sorrows, He uses those losses to teach us incredible truths which transform us and the way we see life. To Him, grieving is a precious time to glean truth out of the pain. As our minds are enlightened with new understanding about ourselves, this life, the ones we love or have loved, we are comforted. The truth will set us free.

My pastor gave a great sermon about this topic and it’s well worth the listen if you are in this place right now.  Let’s weep for the night and walk into the joy of the morning!